I was thinking as I began to write this blog that while it is appropriate to write about stress at the Holidays as so many of us experience heightened stress at this time, it is also appropriate to recognize that families who are helping loved ones with mental illness are experiencing heightened stress every day of the year, 365 days, 24 hours a day, and when it is compounded with Holiday Stress, it can often times be unbearable.  It is also a time, for me anyway, that my shame and blame seem to kick into even higher gear.  I often feel guilty that because of my own emotional stress, and concern for my daughter's well-being during this holiday time, I neglect representing the true spirit of Christmas for my family. I am sad to say, I almost dread the Christmas season approaching and count the days until it is over. Then I feel guilty because I can remember growing up and the feelings and excitement that the Holiday Season brought into my home, and they are truly some of my happiest memories. So how do we balance this? If you are expecting a concrete answer, you won't find it in this blog, I still search. I think that as I search for the balance, I get closer to achieving my own personal balance, but I also think that we all individually have to assess the stress and impact and outcomes. I have learned some practical skills for coping however, and instead of pontificating about all the nuances of achieving personal balance, and soul-searching, I decided to give a practical list of things that I do to help eliminate some of the stress for myself, but mostly for my daughter, during the holiday season

TIPS:

-  remember that the increased sensory inputs around our children over the holidays do impact them, and can exacerbate symptoms (behaviours)  The increased hustle and bustle of shoppers, and their emotions and anxiety as they flit about the malls, often times our children "feel" this and can react.  There are more lights, more sounds, many more inputs than they are normally accustomed to when out shopping or at malls or whatever. 

-  routines are less "normal".  School routine is often different in planning for holiday concerts, and activities that are not regular throughout the school year.  Our children expect and thrive with routine, remember they may need additional cues and support to expect that their routines are going to be disrupted, and they need assurances that the routines will fall back into place

-  because of the increased sensory inputs, perhaps shopping even when it is something that is normally "doable" becomes more of a challenge, instead of expecting them to "behave" we can expect that they will have a difficult time with it, so perhaps arrange shopping and other activities with this in mind - shorter, limited trips to the mall, shopping online wherever possible, making alternate arrangement for your child while you shop

-  take your cues from them, watch closely and gage what they can manage, even when this may not work into what we want our plan to look like, in the long run extending or deviating from an original plan may prevent some struggle for your child

-  be patient - I know I get so focussed on making sure that everything gets done, all the presents are purchased, dates are set, whatever the chore of the moment is, and sometimes we just forget to stop, breathe, and pay attention to when our children just need some peace and quiet.  If this peace and quiet comes at the expense of a planned outing to get wrapping paper, so be it. 

I also want to take this opportunity for all of us to remember those who at Christmas time, while we are perhaps surrounded by family and attending gatherings, there are some who are admitted to psychiatric wards, or residential treatment centres, where visitors are scarce at the best of times. I think of Dr. David Goldbloom speaking of the fact that CAMH while the largest hospital in Toronto does not have the visitor traffic to support a gift shop. These patients whose loneliness and often times feelings of such self loathing lead them to the place where admittance is necessary, instead of those feelings being rebuked by families and friends surrounding them, it is hard to convince them otherwise when they stay day after day without visitors, because often their friends and families are too scared to visit them as someone might learn of the illness. At Christmas time these feelings can be compounded, and make their illnesses even more dangerous.  I also think of the Christmas during the time my husband struggled before he ultimately ended his life and his suffering and his description of how watching everyone and seeing how happy they were and all the joy that Christmas brought to so many, and how it made him realize how broken he was because even at Christmas time he could not muster positive emotion, no matter how hard he tried.  It was just shortly after Christmas that he ended his life, and I wonder how much this burden of not feeling the joy of Christmas played into that, and I also wonder if I could have been more patient, and more sensitive to his obvious pain, instead of being lost in my frustration of having to "do Christmas" alone, and not getting the support I needed. What if my focus had been shifted ever so slightly, and what if I hadn't been so wrapped up in the material matters of Christmas? Did I miss the opportunity to potentially give the most precious gift of all - understanding, acceptance, patience, and love?  Ultimately, isn't that what Christmas is all about anyway? So this Christmas, I ask that we all remember those who are suffering alone, and when and if we can offer them the gift of understanding, acceptance, patience and love, and my guess is that will be the most valuable and treasured gift we give.