It’s funny…I often think the struggles we have as adults during the holiday season have as much to do with unfulfilled childlike expectations as anything else. We look to our children and our extended family and fret over things that go wrong or behavior that unnerves us and think “if only.” You can fill in the blank. If only they would stop fussing, or if only they would settle down, or if only they wouldn’t be so extreme.

I’m not sure if it’s a product of turning 50 and having lived through one teenager and in the middle of another with an anxiety disorder or whether it’s that I’ve worked on my relationships for S0 many years now, but I am getting closer to a kind of “zen” understanding of relationship stress! Or, at this time of year, why I sometimes struggle over the holidays!

When I was a little girl, I found holidays disappointing. I remember Halloween being great because it was so simple. I dressed up, I got candy. It was tough to mess that up. But birthdays and Christmas often left me feeling a bit lonely and thinking about what didn’t happen. It wasn’t that it was a bad time but, in my mind, the story was that everyone would gather together, snuggle in the warmth of family and a cosy home, maybe sing some sweet Christmas carols, eat good food and just be kind to each other.

I know…you’re thinking what kind of fantasy world was I living in? Maybe it was the commercial message that made me expect that, maybe it was my own longing for safety and love. All I know is that things could never live up to that ideal.

Fast forward to being an adult. I’ve realized in a more objective way that life is complicated and that I can only work on myself and be as kind, patient and loving to others as I can. When things go wrong, it may be that the other person is working from a different set of expectations or it may be that they are in trouble. It may be that I am getting caught up in the idea that it should be good the way I want it. The most important thing I can do is to focus on the moments of goodness and let go of the idea that it should be good all the time.

What has this got to do with holiday stress? I’ve learned that we are always just who we are even during the “holidays.” It isn’t about making it perfect but looking for perfect moments. Our families are imperfect creations and in some ways that is a good thing – when my children are imperfect for me, I try to remember that I am their safe space and they need me to allow for their imperfections. And, maybe they will allow for mine!

When I step back and let things just be the way they are, I glimpse those perfect moments. The shared laugh at dinner. The sweet, unexpected hug from my teen. The moment when one of them shares a memory that I didn’t know mattered to them. Those times are very sweet and made sweeter because they are in the midst of the hurly burly of life in the holidays and beyond.

May you find those precious, unexpected moments and savour them as a holiday gift to you!